American Air Campers

Standing still while the world passes me by

Lately I have been noticing exactly how happy all my friends of past and present are.  It's a little disturbing that they all seem to be finding themselves and starting "the rest of their lives" while I am starting over AGAIN!  I don't want to say that I am jealous, but there is simply no other way to put it.  Don't get me wrong... I am happy for them, well... most of them... it just seems like I am stuck.

I was in an unhealthy relationship for about a year and a half.  and I mean VERY unhealthy.  There was constant yelling, controlling, verbal abuse AND minimal physical abuse.  I know, I know... there is no such thing as minimal physical abuse, but I was never caused to bleed or bruised that I could see.  We had about a 16 year age difference, and yes, I was the younger of the two.  He has two kids, one of whom he doesn't speak to and the other lives with her mother about 3 hours away.  I know, this should have been a MASSIVE red flag, but you have not seen his eyes.  They are so kind and caring, blue, the kind of blue that lure you in and make you believe there is something more.  I have grown to hate that color blue, for it was all a lie.

Anyway, he had no job, his vehicle was repossessed, he was behind on child-support and seemed as though he had no ambitions to change any of it.  I work two jobs and had no other choice.  He moved in with me and I continued to pay ALL of the bills, put ALL of the food on the table and support HIS drinking problem.  Does this seem fair?  Do I seem stupid?  The reality is, I am not stupid, just too trusting.  I wanted to believe so much that there was more to him than what I had seen, and alas, there was not.

Ok... I need to leave him behind and move on.  There is so much more to me than him.  I have such a passion for life in the past, and I need to find that again.  I need to work on myself which is why I am starting this blog.  When I write, thoughts and feelings just flow from me and I am then able to look back at them and see more clearly what exactly I had been thinking and feeling before.  

Well, this is the beginning of a LONG story.  but for now, it's bedtime.